5 Steps to Break the Menopause Shame Spiral That Actually Work
Welcome to the Shame Spiral
A new Australian study with 509 women revealed something that will probably sound very familiar:
Most women are hiding their menopause symptoms at work. And that hiding is making everything worse.
Here’s how the spiral works:
Step 1: You experience a symptom (hot flush, brain fog, mood swing)
Step 2: You feel ashamed or embarrassed
Step 3: You hide it
Step 4: Hiding creates MORE stress
Step 5: More stress makes symptoms WORSE
Step 6: You feel even more ashamed
Step 7: Repeat
One woman in the study described keeping a small fan at her desk, turning it on and off all day “to the amusement of my colleagues whom I don’t reveal its due to menopause.”
Notice that? “To the amusement of my colleagues.”
She let them laugh. Because telling them the truth felt worse than being the butt of the joke.
Are you doing this too?
The Many Faces of Hiding
Here’s what hiding looks like in real life:
The Hot Flush Cover-Up:
“If I was in a meeting I could feel the redness coming in my face especially my neck and the sweat would roll down my cheeks, that was embarrassing.” — 64, Western Australia
The Brain Fog Mask:
“I did not want people to conclude I was ‘losing it’ and no longer up to the job.” — 60, New South Wales
The Mood Swing Secret:
“I either cry over nothing or I’m a complete bitch. It affects you physically and mentally.” — 51, Western Australia
Sound familiar?
Why We Hide
The study revealed three big reasons women hide menopause:
1. Fear of being seen as incompetent
“It makes you feel mentally unstable, like you can’t cope.” — 52, Victoria
2. Workplace stigma and ageism
“Definitely felt stereotyped about being an ageing woman at work.” — 60, Queensland
3. Gendered expectations
“You are expected to still care for the family, do all the housework, cook, clean, run the kids around, basically service your husband and having no life of your own, and go to work and support yourself.” — 57, Victoria
Translation: We hide because we’re terrified of being judged, dismissed, or seen as “past it.”
The Cost of Hiding
Here’s what the study found:
Hiding doesn’t protect you. It destroys you.
Listen to what happened to women who kept hiding:
“During perimenopause everything flared up. I found it hard to manage my mental health, as well as my chronic illness. I had to leave my job.” — 55, Queensland
“My main issue around menopause is the difficulty I seem to have with bouncing back to any sort of a good baseline with my quality of life… I had to leave my job.” — 55, Victoria
These women hid until they couldn’t anymore. Then they had no choice but to leave.
Is that where you’re headed?
How the Spiral Breaks You
The research showed three ways the shame spiral destroys women’s lives:
1. It Kills Your Career
“My boss didn’t understand when I was overly tired and needed to work from home.” — 53, New South Wales
When you hide, you can’t ask for help. When you can’t ask for help, you struggle. When you struggle, you’re seen as underperforming.
2. It Damages Your Relationships
“It nearly ended my marriage.” — 60, Queensland
Your family sees you struggling but doesn’t understand why. You’re irritable, exhausted, and disconnected. But you won’t tell them what’s happening.
3. It Destroys Your Mental Health
“A rollercoaster of hormones that makes you think you’re going crazy.” — 55, South Australia
The constant performance. The fear. The isolation. It compounds everything menopause is already throwing at you.
How to Break Free
The research points to one crucial truth:
You can’t hide your way through menopause.
So here’s how to get out:
Step 1: Name It
Say it out loud. To yourself first, if that’s easier.
“I’m experiencing menopause symptoms and I’ve been hiding them. That hiding is making everything worse.”
Step 2: Tell One Person
Not everyone. Just one trusted person.
Your best friend. Your sister. A colleague you trust.
Say: “I need to tell you something I’ve been hiding.”
Watch what happens. Most likely, they’ll say: “Me too.”
Step 3: Stop Performing
You don’t have to announce your menopause to the entire office.
But you can stop the constant performance:
Use that fan without apologizing
Take breaks when you need them
Say “I’m not feeling well” instead of making excuses
Ask for what you need
Step 4: Challenge the Shame
Every time you feel ashamed, ask yourself:
“Would I judge another woman for this?”
No? Then why are you judging yourself?
One woman in the study said: “We are all different, don’t take what another woman says as gospel.”
Extend that compassion to yourself.
Step 5: Get Strategic
Talk to your doctor about treatment options.
Research your workplace rights.
Connect with other women going through this.
Find what actually helps instead of just hiding and hoping.
Your Permission Slip
You have permission to:
✓ Admit you’re struggling
✓ Ask for help
✓ Stop pretending you’re fine
✓ Take up space with your needs
✓ Prioritize your health
✓ Be visible in your menopause
As one woman said: “Should be celebrated as an amazing thing that happens.” — 63, Western Australia
You can’t celebrate something you’re hiding.
Start Here
Today, right now, you can do one thing:
Tell one person.
Just one.
Say: “I’m going through menopause and it’s harder than I expected. I need support.”
That’s it. That’s how the spiral breaks.
Not with a grand announcement. Not with a workplace policy.
With one honest conversation.
Your turn: Are you in the shame spiral? What would it take for you to break the silence? Drop a comment—let’s talk about it.
Based on Wood et al. (2025) “Hiding symptoms and balancing work, family and relationships: Australian women discuss menopause and the midlife collision.” Social Science & Medicine. Study of 509 Australian women aged 45-64.